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Submitted by: Frank Clynes Nov 17, 2004 WLNE-6 has just hired former WPRI-12 news director Edwin Hart. I'll never forget the day Edwin Hart decided to share with us his grand plan to make WPRI the leading station in the market. His audience was small - just myself and Candy Altman were listening to him. So profound was his thinking and enlightened was his vision, that we almost overlooked the peculiar object he held in his hand. He had been standing near the desk of a female reporter and casually picked up an objet d'art that was sitting there. It was a long piece of polished wood in the shape of a tube, with one end that came to a rounded top. The other end was similar in shape and design, save for two small outcroppings on the bottom that had the appearance of walnuts. To the casual observer, it could've passed for a piece of driftwood. As the worlds smartest news director explained the secrets of broadcast journalism, he was fondly stroking this object and occasionally gesturing with it, to emphasize a point. Candy could barely contain herself. I thought she was going to have a cow. She was seconds away from collapsing in a fit of howling laughter, as I sat there sadly shaking my head. Edwin didn't have a clue what was going on. It seems that two of his female employees shared an excessive interest in one another, and one had given the other a wooden dill-doe for her birthday. The recipient - lets call her Catherine - had carelessly left the toy on her desk when she went out on assignment. And the other - lets call her Debby - didn't have the good sense to hide in her desk drawer. And now Edwin was playing with it. This was one of those socially awkward moments. One part of me wanted to ask Edwin if he knew where that object had been, recently. But since he almost made it through Marine Corps boot camp, I was sure he got the VD lecture and had all his shots. Between my shaking my head in despair and Candy biting down on her hand to keep from screaming, Edwin finally paused to reexamine that sticky piece of wood in his now-sweating palms. As he tipped it into the erect position, the blood drained from his face. He gingerly replaced it on Catherine's desk and made a fast dash for the men's room. The worlds smartest news director had been masturbating in front of his employees with an artificial penis. The story of his near-death experience spread far and wide, and nobody in the news department ever dared shake hands with him again. Frank Clynes |
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